Now that 5-a-side is up and running, it might help to get an idea of just what you'll be up against over the course of the next two months.
See below for a quick look at the players you'll soon learn to recognise each Tuesday night.
The index was put together with the help of the irrepressible Tom Cramer.
The grizzled veteran
This person, usually aged 30-45, is the one who has been around the block a few times, scores a few goals, is generally in the right place at the right time and never needs to run too much. The male grizzled veteran is generally easy to spot by the fact that their shirt seems a bit tighter around the middle than his team-mates.
The injured grizzled veteran
This person is the twin of the one above but is carrying one or six injury niggles and are wearing so many ankle/knee/hamstring/calf braces that they look like they turned up in full armour from a middle ages war reenactment. Also tends to limp a lot and normally smells like an explosion in a liniment factory.
The celebrity guest player
Rare at Pukekohe 5-a-side these days but in past years local paparazzi target and rugby hero Blair Feeney has trotted around.
The returner
The one using 5-a-side as a dry-run on their return to the field after injury. They are usually are quite slow, duck out of 50-50s, generally avoid the rough stuff and shuffle everything onto one foot or the other and spend a lot of time looking over their shoulder, waiting to be clobbered.
The chopper
The two footed/studs up/slide tackler/elbow thrower/teeth gritter/Roy Keane impersonator of your team.
The over-elaborate teen
The 14/15-year-old who is dead keen to impress his girlfriend by trying all the turns and tricks in the book. Usually winds up falling over their own feet, kicking the ball out or shooting into the trees.
The relaxed veteran
The one who has been there, done that. Knows that 5-a-side is meant to be fun and treats it as such. Finds time during the game to produce one or two pieces of magic to set up a team mate while making sure all players on his/her team get involved. Tends to smile a lot.
The eager junior
The 10/11/12 year old who is mad keen on football and is playing for their mum’s/dad’s/brother’s team. Whenever they have the ball everyone backs off and gives them a chance to play. Get the loudest cheer from their team mates when they score.
The Waiuku supporter
Easily spotted by their grim determination to get a win on enemy turf.
Rob Oliver and Keith Ralph, you know who you are.What’s a right foot?
The righty
What’s a left foot?
The organizer
The highly organized person who phones/texts/prints the shirts/turns up first. Be wary of the extreme version who carries a stopwatch, a clipboard, 2 spare match balls, a pump, a pressure guage and a first aid kit and has all of the squad’s cellphone numbers on speed dial. Tends to organise mid-week ball work sessions and weekend road runs after your team lost all three games one night.
The score-keeper
The one who never seems to get on the field but, bizarrely, is really keen to hold the clip board/pen and mark down each goal/corner. Can also double as the stickler (below).
The professional goalkeeper
The one who has three sets of gloves for dry, intermediate and wet conditions and never comes out of goal no matter how many times they are asked if they want a run on the field. You are thankful they are there when you bollocks-up in midfield and they pull off a great save.
The big man
The one who towers above everyone else and when they get the ball, defenders scatter to the four winds. Tip: don’t mark this person with the eager junior.
The jack of all trades
The one who scores goals, makes tackles, passes well, plays in goal and keeps score and is happy to do all of them.
The injury magnet
The one who manages to get hurt every week by taking a ball to the knackers, an elbow from the chopper, twings a hammie running up the sideline, dislocates a finger while in goal, and gets a paper cut while keeping score.
The rugby player
The one who has no idea what’s going on, but are generally the most enthusiastic tacklers there. Tip: Wear shin pads front and back.
The piss-taker
The more developed form of the over-elaborate teen, they have all the tricks and turns but know when to pull them out and can finish what they start. Best version of this is a hybrid with the relaxed veteran. There are one or two of them around, not many though.
The newbie
The one who has been keen to give soccer a crack but never has until being roped into a team. Loves to have the ball at their feet, gets excited with the smallest accomplishments during the game and always has a huge grin on their face, irrespective of the scoreline. It’s always good to see these ones turning up.
The wannabe
The one who wears the full Nike 90 football kit but couldn’t kick their way out of a wet paper bag. Talks a great game though.
The stubborn subber
The one who always prompts the call: “Let’s keep the subs rolling guys,” but never seems to budge. Tend to use phrases like "just give it another couple of minutes" and "next time the ball goes out..." but will only voluntarily come off when there are 30 seconds left and there is no chance you can win.
The rush goalie
Not only dominates their area but also the entire half of the pitch. Always keen for a dribble or two that scares their team mates to death. Also partial to the spectacular ‘shot’ from inside their own half which invariably ends up setting off someone's car alarm.
The long-ball hitter
The one who doesn’t understand that it’s a small field and you have to store the 40-yard cross-field wellies into the wind in the cupboard until next season. But they still get annoyed when team mates can't control the bombs aimed over their heads.
The stickler
“Hey! You can’t go into the area.” “Hey! You can’t go over halfway!” “Hey! Back up 1 metre and take the free kick where it happened!”
The ringer
Players from clubs outside the “big three” (Pukekohe, Waiuku, Tuakau). These are largely unknown quantities and should be treated with extreme caution.