Dave, Tom – Tom and the Mountain by G McKenzie

Playing for the “Old Fellas” has been a wonderful journey of discovery and revelation for me. I have always enjoyed finding out what is ‘round the next corner’, and when you travel to Mangere Mountain with Davie and his Tom-Tom it is a pleasure (“Dave, take the second exit at the round-about” purrs the seductive female voice”). And we’re off. 

I have always admired the cheerfully naïve way Dave embarks on his journeys, “I don’t go to Auckland much so I don’t remember how to get there, but I do remember the grounds!” Oh what fun – we’re going exploring again! - and with our intellectual ‘Partick Pundit’ Tommy providing wit from the back, our trio set off for the game. 

As always, we set about righting wrongs and discussing our possible strategies for the game with the absolute certainty of the righteous, whilst Dave’s sex kitten, purrs and preens in the background (Dave,….(coyishly) …after 100 hundred metres turn left….(small gasp) to Dave’s habitual soundtrack of various 80’s artists. Which prompted our Tommy to reveal he had been a ‘drummer’ for a band in the 80’s which had signed a five album deal! Go Tommy I thought, you dark horse! Dave encouragingly enquired “What kind of music?” – “Oh Heavy Metal” and I was off…..picturing Tommy in his platform boots and spandex hammering (intellectually) at his own set of Tom-Toms with aplomb….”We were likened to Def Leppard actually” and then Davie’s comment “I hope you’re a better drummer than football player”….all this and we hadn’t left Puke yet!

(“Dave, you have arrived at your destination” she sighed coquettishly) and I am given my first glimpse of Mangere’s Mountain. We troupe inside the visitor’s changing room to the strains of Andre’s “Beautiful Wife anecdote” which for me has become as much a part of match preparations as Fab’s team talks.

On the pitch, I invariably try to gauge the quality of the opposition by looking at just how young and fit they are (or more precisely how fat and grey they are). The mountain men have the usual assortment of baldies, bellies and bong-eyed which when I looked at our team seemed pretty well matched. 

And so it was in the first half, with both sides vying for the ball without either dominating. But there was an ominous edge being gained to the Mountain – they were closing us down quicker and when in possession they merely stroked the ball around, letting the ‘ball do the work’. We were working hard, but still lingering on the ball not truly trusting our own ability and often reverting to the hopeful - ‘kick it somewhere up the park and Andy will get it!’ ball which bless him, he always tries to do.

Half-time and Fabs is quietly encouraging and arranging our line-up “we are going to keep our back four and rotate the midfield – anyone tired, get off and get some fresh legs (this is relative) on the park….” 

Second half, and their edge begins to pay off, they are threatening more often before they finally get the goal – which was offside (I was last man!) and they are chuffed and we are despondent. Our anger fires our players and as often happens, we go into overdrive, challenging and scrapping for all we’re worth, and then Andy goes down clutching his groin…....but within ten minutes our Nathan ably supported by Russ gets our equaliser. Yahoo, this is getting better! (I watched a lot of cowboy films when I was a kid) We are starting to play football – the way we can, but the villainous mountain men came back with another which they scored with numbers rampaging into the box. We in riposte, finally, put Fabs back into his rightful position in midfield and our team begins immediately to pick up yet again, but too late – final whistle we go down 2-1. Bugger!

The changing rooms are quieter than usual and the chatter less excited – I feel tired and deflated……and yet I know I already relish the next encounter and chance to redeem our ‘glory days’……..and I believe it will come. Achingly, we leave the changing rooms and Davie, Tommy and I decide we’ll go see our younger counterparts at Fencibles! 

Another exploratory journey….(Dave sweetie, turn right in 100 metres (giggle) says the seductress) and I am wondering….Dave’s car is immaculately clean, tidy and scented with a discrete little scent from a particularly ‘girlish’ bottle attached prominently (within caressing distance) on his dashboard. When after numerous detours, for the Mangere Bridge Jazz Festival (who would have thought it!) we make our way to Fencibles and as we reach our destination, I am convinced I hear this sweet voice cooing as she is lovingly placed into the glove compartment…(bye Darling).

We watch our first team, go down 2-0 to another well structured, hard-working team and I can’t help but see the similarities with our game. Oh well, another day. We finally begin our journey home (without Dave’s Miss Tom-Tom) which I must admit was intriguing ….because not even Dave needs HER to find Pukekohe….or perhaps…well I’ll leave you to speculate.

We can do it – next week.
Gavin